Because I love you
by Wolvesta
Summary: Prompt for Aftercare Bingo: PTSD


Christopher had loved fireworks, always has since he was a little boy. Eddie wasn't sure if it was because of the bright colors or the patterns, but Christopher always loved going down to the beach and watching the city throw the annual fireworks party. Christopher had always spent it with his abuela and tia because of his dad. While Christopher was still too young to understand why his daddy didn't like the 4th of July, he still had fun. And this year it will be more fun because he has Denny and their new baby sister with May and Harry with him this year. And this year he gets to spend the night with Hen's family.

Eddie had been pacing back and forth for the last hour, he didn't know why he was he was so on edge. While he knew that Hen and Karen were perfectly capable of taking care of Christopher as they had done before, he didn't want to overwhelm them with his kid and their kids, but Hen insisted.

Buck came over about 30 minutes after Eddie dropped off Christopher at Hen's house, saying they'll make their way down to the pier later. Eddie had instantly relaxed when he heard the jingle of keys in the door. He stood up from the couch and greeted his boyfriend in an excited kiss.

"Buck..." Eddie had started and wasn't sure how to start the sentence, but Buck only sighed and smiled sadly. He took Eddie's hand and led him to his bed.

"I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight with everything going on. I don't want to accidentally hurt you"

"You won't, I know you won't. Here, maybe these will help." Buck pulls out some industrial headphones that are used on the tarmac at airports. Buck leans in and kisses Eddie gently as he slides the headphones over his ears. Buck then gestures for Eddie to lie down with Buck.

He falls into a quiet sleep.

{~}{~}

_He feels hot._

_The heat is beating down at him._

_Not the kind of heat of the spring hot or temperature hot, but the kind of heat that makes you want to scream, beat, and cry because it's too hot to do anything else but lie there as the unforgiving Earth takes you. He looks around and he can see explosions and gunfire going off in all different directions. He knows where he is._

_He's in war._

_He looks around as his comrades are taking down the unseen enemies with ease. He sees one of his brothers extend his hand and helps Eddie up from the ground of where he went down. He surveys the scene and sees that the guy who helped him is no longer there._

_He hears a distance call of his name and feels a hand on his arm. He turns around and sees the faceless enemy. Eddie's reflexes react instantly. He doesn't know how it happened, but one minute the faceless enemy is looking at him, but then he has the figure on the ground, one hand on his neck, squeezing and the other hand holding a knife to his throat. A deep part of him satisfied with the small trickle of blood slowly seeping down the throat. Eddie leans closer, intending to look into the eyes of the enemy, but is thrown off when he feels something cover his lips._

_Why is he being kissed? And why is his faced being cradled? Eddie blinked back in surprise and when he_ opens his eyes, he sees the blue eyes he's grown to love. But the blue eyes aren't filled with love, passion, or that playful twinkle that he loves so much.

_The eyes held fear_

It was then that Eddie had realized three truths at the same time.

One: he was in his kitchen in a half-kneeling position on the floor.

Two: he had a kitchen knife in his left hand pointed at Buck.

Three: He had his right hand wrapped around Buck's neck.

Buck swallowed and took a chance. He brought his struggling hands to Eddie's face.

"I-it's ok Ed-die. Please, j-just let go" Buck said in a raspy voice. When Eddie realized what he had been doing he instantly dropped the knife to the floor and jumped back in horror. Buck scrambled from the floor to his knees and began to cough uncontrollably.

_This isn't happening...ah Dios Mio what have I done?_

Once Buck seems to pull himself together for a moment, he looks up at Eddie with pain in his eyes. Buck slowly begins to crawl towards Eddie, who had pressed himself into the wall, hoping it will swallow him up, but it doesn't.

_And now he had to deal with what he did_

Eddie curls into himself in order not to look at the person he hurt.

"Eddie? Are you ok?" Buck asked kneeling in front of Eddie but being unsure if he should touch him in this state. When he didn't respond. "Eddie please look at me" Eddie shook his head back and forth. Buck only sighed and took a seat next to Eddie on the floor. Buck longed to comfort the man who was a shaking mess next to him, but he wasn't sure if he should touch him in this state.

It's what got them here in the first place

_"Eddie...it's ok," Buck said after what seemed like moments of silence._

"Evan...god I hurt you...look at you I-" Eddie gets cut off when he looks at Buck for the first time. He froze at the sight of blood pouring out of Buck's neck. Buck meanwhile hadn't noticed, too caught up in caring for Eddie.

"Oh god...oh god Evan I cut you," Eddie says in horror as he hesitantly brings his hand to Buck's neck, but yanks his hand back the second it connects with the skin. Eddie's mind flashes back to a mere moment ago when he had the same hand around him. Buck places his hand over the cut to cover it up, but the blood seeps through his fingers.

"Eddie it's ok. You'd never hurt me on purpose"

"Y-you need to get it checked out, you're on blood thinners Ev. Oh, god-wha-"

"Eddie you need to relax, you're hyperventilating. Take a breath for me sweetheart" Buck says as he holds his hands out to Eddie in a relaxing manner. Buck slowly takes a step towards Eddie.

"Ev stop, no stay away from me," Eddie says as he takes steps back and locks himself in their bathroom. He hears Buck on the other side,

"Eddie please open the door" Eddie doesn't respond, he only yells at Buck to go away and to leave the house before something bad truly happens. On the other side, Buck nods and slides against the door.

"Eddie, I'll wait out here for you, all night if I have to, but I am not leaving this house. I love you" Buck doesn't expect a reply back, but he does feel tired. He feels really tired.

"Eddie...please help me"

{~}{~}

Eddie locks the bathroom door behind him and he slides down the door with his back against it. He tries and tries to get his breathing under control. He can't bear to look at Buck right now, he can't hurt him again.

_God, he thought he had it under control._

He had never done this to anyone before. Not Shannon, not Christopher and he hoped and prayed it wouldn't happen to Buck, but it did and now he's ruined everything. He hears Buck on the other side of the door and he tells him to go away and leave. Eddie doesn't want him to leave, but can't bear the thought of him hurting Buck again. He hears Buck tell him that he's just on the other side of the door and he won't leave and he's about to tell him to go away again before he hears Buck ask for help. Eddie then sprang up from the floor and ripped the door open.

Buck was on his knees, hunched over and holding the cut on his neck. Eddie knelt in front of Buck and placed his hand on his face to lift him. Buck looked up and Eddie noted that he was pale.

"Fuck...Evan come here" Eddie gently grabbed Buck's two arms and lifted him. He led him to sit on the edge of the bed. Eddie went back into the bathroom to bring out a first aid kit from under the sink. Eddie is about to begin cleaning Buck's wound but stops himself. How can he be the one helping him when he was then one that put him in the situation in the first place? Eddie's hands begin to shake when he feels a hand cover his own. He looks up and sees Buck smiling at him. Buck guides Eddie's hand to his neck and leaves it there.

"I trust you, Eddie," Buck says and Eddie damn near loses it. Tears rush down Eddie's face as he begins to tenderly clean the wound.

"Why? After everything that just happened...how can you trust me?" Eddie asks as he seals the cut and puts a band-aid over it. Eddie looks down and sees Buck's shirt covered in a steady stream of blood. Buck hands slowly cradle Eddie's face, forcing him to look him in the eyes.

"Because I love you" Buck's response brought Eddie up short.

"But I hurt you...god I was choking you and I almost cut you...I did cut you I-" Eddie's mantra got cut off when he felt Buck's hand intertwine with his own.

"I'm ok Eddie, I'm here I'm fine"

"But what if you aren't? You lost blood Evan and you're still on blood thinners. And what if you aren't ok next time? I almost killed you..." Eddie breaks into full-body sobs at this point. Buck only leans closer to Eddie, indicating that he's there for him.

"Come on Eddie, let's try to get you back to sleep."

"I-I can't sleep. I'm scared of hurting you and I'm still on edge." Buck nods in understanding. He gets up from the bed and begins to take off his shirt. Eddie looks up in confusion and is even more when Buck leaves to the bathroom and comes back a little bit later. Buck leans down to take Eddie's hands and leads him to the bathroom.

{~}{~}

"Breathe Eddie...just breathe deeply for me," Buck says reassuringly as he helps Eddie slid into the tub full of hot water. Eddie hisses as the temperature warms and slightly reddens his skin. Once he is seated in the water, Buck gently takes Eddie into his arms as he slides back against the wall. As the water splashed and moves around them, Eddie is still tense in Buck's arms.

"Try to relax for me Ed"

"I can't...I don't want to hurt you again"

"Sh it's ok-" Buck's sentence is broken but Eddie's sobs.

"N-nothing about t-this is ok Evan. God I'm so s-sorry"

"There's nothing to be sorry about sweetheart. If anything, I'm the one who's sorry, I made the mistake of touching you when you were in that state and-" Buck is cut off when Eddie shoots up and kisses Buck firmly on the lips. He pulls back and looks at Buck in his eyes

"Don't you dare say you're sorry, this absolutely isn't your fault Evan. Dios Mio please don't blame yourself" Buck brings his hands to Eddie's face to wipe his tears.

"If it isn't my fault then it isn't yours" Buck carefully runs his wet hands and fingers through Eddie's hair. Eddie lets out a few silent tears and tucks himself into Buck's side and cried. Buck simply holds him tighter and buries his face in Eddie's hair. Buck rubs Eddie's back in small circles.

"I'm so sorry" Eddie mumbles as he pulls back. His eyes drift down to Buck's neck that now has a forming ring of bruises mixed with purple, blue, and little bit of red. Eddie leans in and begins to gently kiss Buck's neck, saying he's sorry every chance he can. Buck simply lets Eddie work.

"Are you ready to go back to sleep now sweetheart?" Buck asks as he feels the water beginning to get chilly. Eddie opens his eyes and looks up from where his head is laying against Buck's chest and nods yes. His heartbeat being able to calm him down.

{~}{~}

Buck had dried and dressed Eddie into a loose t-shirt. Buck had slipped under the covers while Eddie was rummaging through the drawer in the nightstand. He got under the covers and squeezed some gel onto his hands and began lovingly rubbing some aloe vera infused cream on Buck's neck. He hisses slightly at the burning sensation and Eddie smiles sadly as he kisses Buck's cheek. The cream had been put away and Eddie hesitated to go under the covers with Buck.

"Eds come here. I love you, I trust you, nothing in the world can change that" Buck says as he grabs Eddie's biceps and pulls him down next to him. Eddie inserts himself between Buck's arms and can feel Buck's heartbeat against his forehead. Buck can feel that Eddie is still a little tense, so he begins to play with Eddie's damp hair. He loves it when it's damp and it isn't styled with his normal gel because it's flat but still a little curly. Eddie wants to relax into Buck but he slides his arms in between Buck and himself.

"I don't deserve this Evan, not after what I did"

"You had no control over tonight, and it's ok to lose a little bit of control sometimes"

"Not when it hurts the love of my life"

"...I'm the love of your life?" Buck asks smiling stupidly and Eddie grins sadly as he slides up to meet Buck's eyes.

"I'm serious mi amor, I hurt you so badly today...and I want to promise it won't happen again but-" Buck smiles sadly at this statement, he simply brushes Eddie's hair back and tucks it behind his ears.

"I know, but maybe we can get you some help so you can deal with this properly"

"I'll try Evan, for you I'll try," Eddie says in a whisper as he pulls Buck closer to him, taking comfort in the mixture of pine and home that is Buck.

"I'll spend forever trying to make this up to you"

"I don't need forever, I just need tonight. I need you to try to sleep, we can figure this out in the morning when you aren't looking like death" Eddie kisses Buck on the lips as he sighs sadly.

"I love you, Eddie," Buck says as he drifts off to sleep.

"I love you too Evan," Eddie says as he follows him.

* * *

thanks for reading!

Visit me on my Tumblr: chitownwolf


End file.
